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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26578693">Love, Troy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacetimeinspector/pseuds/spacetimeinspector'>spacetimeinspector</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Community (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Love Simon Fusion, Boys In Love, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, alcohol use, spoilers: there is no forced outing or blackmail</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:54:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,522</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26578693</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacetimeinspector/pseuds/spacetimeinspector</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Troy starts emailing an anonymous Greendale student about sexuality and his crush on his best friend - the emails are the only place he feels like he can really be open about being gay. He just wishes he knew who at Greendale he was emailing. </p>
<p>a Trobed Love, Simon AU</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Troy Barnes &amp; Annie Edison, Troy Barnes &amp; Britta Perry, Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>193</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Love, Troy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: blackmail and being outed are two major parts of Love, Simon - these aren’t things that I enjoyed watching or reading and it’s not something that I wanted to write. So if you wanted to see that part or who Martin would be, sorry, but also I’d love to see how other people would handle this AU!!! </p>
<p>There are obviously scenes that are directly inspired by scenes and lines in the movie and the book (Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda), but I tried to make it fit in the Community universe and put my own twist on it without Martin.</p>
<p>I hope you enjoy!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The study room lulled into silence - as it usually did on days when they had to actually study - and everyone had slowly brought out a device of their choosing to pass the time. For Troy, that device was of course his phone. He scrolled through twitter mindlessly, seeing Jeff’s reviews on some fashion line and Duncan’s ramblings - Troy had no idea why he decided to become one of his 12 followers, but he knew if he ever unfollowed it wouldn’t be hard for Duncan to notice, and he needed to pass Anthropology. There was one tweet on his timeline that made Troy stop dead in his tracks, his fingers stilling instantly. </p>
<p>There was a twitter account that Greendale students used to post confessions - most people in the school followed it, but the tweets barely ever garnered much traction. So whenever Troy scrolled by, there was hardly ever a reason to stop and really look at what was posted. The submissions usually varied from ridiculous to boring, there had even been three or four posts about the study group themselves that had Jeff laughing and Annie gasping. Troy never really knew what to think about the posts, about people venting or exposing secrets - it all felt very high school. So it kind of made sense that the posts were never paid much attention, because college students were really above caring. </p>
<p>The post that had Troy stunned wasn't that remarkable, in fact he was sure that if anyone else in the study group saw it they’d scroll past it as if it were nothing - except for probably Pierce, if he only knew how to log into his account without help. Though Troy kept rereading it over and over. </p>
<p>
  <em> I’m a student at Greendale, and nobody knows that I’m bisexual. It’s never been something I felt like hiding, but it was also never something that I really told anyone, either. I never had any close friends in my life, but now I do, because of Greendale. I can’t help but feel like I’m hiding a massive part of myself from them, but I have no idea how they’d react, or at least I don’t bet on them reacting positively. I’m already an outcast, and I don’t want to push them away. I’m not sure what to do, or who to talk to.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — @benderclub </em>
</p>
<p>Something stung the middle of Troy’s chest as he read the words, his breath coming in short. There was someone out there, in Greendale - maybe someone that Troy even knew personally - that felt the way that Troy did. Troy had been pushing down his sexuality for so long, trying to shove it into a locked box inside of his head and refusing to let it out. But it was becoming increasingly harder to force heterosexuality down his own throat and it started to burn. He felt trapped, alone, with no direction for where to go next, what to do, or how to fix it. He couldn’t tell his friends, the study group, because he didn’t think they’d accept him, given their track record.</p>
<p>Maybe Jeff would make a snide comment and then Britta would preach her performative acceptance, Shirley would definitely get him an exorcist and Pierce- God, Pierce would probably kick him out of his house, and then he’d <em> really </em> be in trouble. He couldn’t even tell his best friend in the world - Abed - because then everything would change, wouldn’t it? He’d view Troy differently and they’d stop being so close, because Abed would be afraid of being too friendly and Troy developing feelings. The thing was, if he reacted that way he’d be completely right, because Troy <em> had </em> been feeling differently towards Abed lately, and that was just making everything harder for him. He couldn’t talk to anyone about his sexuality, so he definitely couldn’t talk to anyone about his feelings or what they could mean. As far as Troy was concerned, it was all a disaster. </p>
<p>So now, with someone in a similar position right there, confessing on the Greendale page with their twitter linked right under it, Troy couldn’t help but feel like it was fate. He could talk to this person and finally have someone that understood, that he knew would accept him - best of all, this person didn’t have to find out who Troy was at all. The situation ran circles around his mind as his heart rate picked up - this was it, this was his moment. </p>
<p>“Alright, that was fun.” </p>
<p>Troy was shocked out of his thoughts as Abed spoke beside him. Troy quickly exited the Twitter app, as if it would completely expose his thoughts, and checked the time - five o’clock. Everyone around the table started packing up to leave and Troy followed along robotically, his mind still elsewhere. As he stood up, he noticed that half the group had left and Abed was standing behind his seat, eyeing Troy carefully. </p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Abed cocked his head to the side, assessing Troy’s behaviour. </p>
<p>“What? Uh, yeah man. I’m all cool.” </p>
<p>Troy wanted to cringe at himself, he was never a very convincing liar. Though thankfully, Abed didn’t push him on it. </p>
<p>“Cool. Are you still staying over tonight?”</p>
<p>Abed’s question brought Troy back to reality, and he remembered that they’d planned a sleepover that night, and he couldn’t worry about the confession the whole time and ruin it. </p>
<p>Troy smiled. “You know it.” Then he initiated their handshake. </p>
<p>They’d spent the night watching movies, making blanket forts, and eating really quite unhealthy food, then it was 11pm and they had to go to bed - it was still a school night, after all. Troy changed into his pyjamas and Abed gathered his things and made his way to the communal showers, leaving Troy to entertain himself alone in Abed’s room. Troy laid out on the couch, stretching himself, when his mind started to wander to the confession post again. He grabbed his phone and looked at the tweet again, his fingers burning with the desire to reply. </p>
<p>This was his moment, right? He quickly made a new email account and made a fake twitter, immediately searching for the tweet again and visiting the twitter of the confessor. It was completely blank - no profile photo, no cover photo, no followers or following or tweets. It was obviously a twitter that was just made to make the confession, maybe from someone who didn’t trust the admins with keeping things anonymous and wanted to go the extra mile. Troy hoped that the person would check the account, because he had no idea how to reach them besides sending them a direct message. Troy looked at Abed’s door, as if checking that he was still alone, and started typing. </p>
<p>
  <em> Hey, I don’t really know how to start this but I saw your Greendale confession post and I want to say that you’re not alone. I’m in the same situation as you, I feel like I have no one to talk to about my sexuality and I don’t think anyone would accept me. I’m so confused about everything but I have nowhere to go. When I saw your post, I felt like someone finally understood me. Anyway, I’m not sure if you’d think this is weird or anything, but I’d love to talk to you. Maybe we could both make a friend here :) </em>
</p>
<p>Troy typed and deleted the message ten times over before settling on a message that went straight to the point. He hoped that the confessor would go easy on him and realise that Troy was nervous. Which he was. His heart was in his throat as he typed the message and when he finally pressed send his hands felt jittery and a little sweaty. He closed the app and relaxed back into the couch, trying to even his breathing and slow his heartbeat. He laid there for a few minutes, his mind switching between buzzing about the message and trying to force himself to relax, it was actually starting to work until Abed’s door opened, startling Troy completely as he yelped in surprise. </p>
<p>Abed’s eyes furrowed as he entered the dorm, “It’s just me.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, sorry I was just… surprised.” Troy’s cheeks started to heat up from embarrassment. </p>
<p>Abed shook his head slightly and put his shower things back where they belonged, “Okay. We should probably sleep now.”</p>
<p>“Yeah…”</p>
<p>Troy cursed himself internally at his weird behaviour, if he couldn’t even act normal in front of Abed then how did he expect to go about messaging this anonymous person in secret? He knew he had to get better at hiding things, even though it went against every fiber of his being. It’ll be better for everyone, in the long run, he just had to remind himself. He crawled onto the bottom bunk as Abed climbed the ladder and he shoved his phone under his pillow, almost afraid that Abed could sense the message just from looking at the blank screen. </p>
<p>“Goodnight, Troy.”</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Abed.”</p>
<p>Troy got ready for class with Abed in the morning, then had a whole full schedule of classes, then dance practice to top it all off. Troy entered Pierce’s house feeling sore and exhausted, and it took everything in him just to take a shower and crawl into bed. He woke up to another school day and it wasn’t until he’d gotten out of his last class that he realised he’d never ended up checking his new twitter to see if the Greendale confessor ever responded. He waited until Pierce drove them home to check his phone, worried that if he opened it in the car that he’d have some sort of mental break and accidentally reveal everything to Pierce. </p>
<p>The second he stepped into his bedroom he fumbled for his phone, hastily logging into the anonymous account and checking his direct messages. And there it was, a new message from <em> benderclub.  </em></p>
<p>
  <em> It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. It’d be great to have someone to talk to about this kind of thing. I only made this account to post the confession, so I’ll be deleting it soon, but here’s my email. I’ll leave this account up for 24 hours after I send this, just to make sure you got it. I hope I can hear from you again.  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy stared at the message and then noticed the time, which was two hours until the confessor was going to delete their account. Troy quickly scrambled to screenshot the message and then copy and pasted it into his notes app for good measure. Then, after being confident that he copied the email down correctly and it wasn’t going anywhere, he decided to shower and have some dinner like usual. </p>
<p>By the time he was done eating, sitting in Pierce’s theater room letting some mindless sitcom play on the big screen, Troy noticed that it had been exactly two hours since he checked his messages. He checked on his anonymous account once again and <em> benderclub </em>had been deactivated, exactly on time. For some reason, the whole situation seemed a lot more serious all of a sudden. This could be it, he could just acknowledge that there was someone out there in Greendale that’s like him and leave it. If he took the plunge and emailed them, there was no going back. </p>
<p>Even the thought of leaving the situation where it was made Troy’s heart ache. His fingers itched to type out an email as soon as possible, so he didn’t waste any time. He opened the email that he made to create his fake twitter, and started typing. </p>
<p>
  <em> Hey, it’s the guy from twitter. I’m not sure what to say here, so… Hi! Hopefully you’re better at starting conversations than I am. Anyway, I’d love to discuss this sexuality stuff with you. Not in a weird way. But yeah.  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy sighed as he typed out the message, he had no idea what on earth he was supposed to say. He wasn’t very good with the whole conversation thing - in high school he coasted on talking about football and it worked out - now, in college, a lot of his conversations were started by Abed first. Talking to Abed was the easiest thing in the world…</p>
<p>Troy snapped himself out of his thoughts and remembered the task at hand. He racked his brain with a sign off, a name, a pseudonym, anything to make himself into more of a person and less of a formless anonymous being. He was drawing a complete blank, and decided to google anagrams for Troy Barnes, and though “artsy boner” made Troy laugh until his eyes started to tear up, he didn’t think it would go down well as a pseudonym. He thought back to the stage names he made up for acting class that week, “Trevor St. McGoodbody” and “David”, wondering if he could use them. </p>
<p>He thought about it for a second and signed off his email before sending it. There was no turning back. </p>
<p>— <em> Trevor </em></p>
<p>That would work, right? </p>
<p>Troy checked his emails approximately 203 times that night, refreshing the page over and over hoping for something, anything. He eventually had to accept that he had to be patient and go to sleep, but when he woke up to no new emails he had to resist the urge to have his phone out during all of his classes. He didn’t even have the chance to check it during study group, it was one of the rare moments that he was annoyed about having something exciting to do, but it at least got his mind off of things for an hour. </p>
<p>It wasn’t until he was home, walking into his bedroom that he got the notification of a new email. He opened it and read it immediately, not wanting to waste a second. </p>
<p>
  <em> Hi, Trevor. I’m not the best with conversation, either. But I think we’ll be okay, I have conversation starters for these types of things. But for our particular situation, I see no reason why we shouldn’t jump straight (hah) into it.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> So, what (or who) made you question your sexuality? Was it recent? Did you have a grand sexual awakening like in the movies?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I think that’s a good place to start.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — Bender  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy sighed in relief, thanking god that this person - Bender, apparently - had a conversation topic to start with. He relaxed slightly as he got changed, thinking of how his sexuality really came to be. He laid down on his bed, typing a reply. </p>
<p>
  <em> Hey Bender!! Those are great questions, I’ve never really thought too hard about it. Once I realised I wasn’t straight, I kinda tried to shove it down as much as possible and hoped it went away. Maybe us talking will help me accept myself more, I guess we’ll see.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I feel like I’ve always kinda known that I was different, but it wasn’t until I got a girlfriend in high school that I realised I wasn’t really into her at all, I was more into the concept of being in a relationship that would make my friends and family accept me. I dated her for about a year, I actually feel really bad about it. But after we broke up I still tried to convince myself I was straight.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It got harder after I got to Greendale, though. I was doing so well, but I think I’m starting to crush on guys and it’s getting harder to say I just want to be their friends when what I really want is to kiss them or hold their hand - you know, gay stuff. What makes it worse is I think I’m getting a crush on one of my only friends here, but I don’t want to ruin what we have. Maybe you can help me figure out what the hell to do about that.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Can I tell you something that I’ve never even said to myself? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’m gay.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> God, that felt good to finally admit. Anyway, how was your sexual awakening?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — Trevor </em>
</p>
<p>Sending the email felt like the biggest weight lifted off of Troy’s chest. He’d never admitted to himself that he was gay before, he hadn’t admitted to kinda-sorta-maybe having a crush on Abed before, either. But now, he was telling a stranger over the internet, someone that he could be passing in the halls every day without realising - but he didn’t feel stressed out or scared, he finally felt relaxed. What was the saying, confession is good for the soul? Troy was starting to understand that better than ever. </p>
<p>It was about thirty minutes later when Troy got the notification for a new email, and this time he was more excited than stressed to open it. </p>
<p>
  <em> I’m so sorry that you felt the need to suppress your sexuality, but I’m glad you’re opening up about it now. Your sexuality is a beautiful thing and you shouldn’t have to hide it. For me, I think I’ve always known that I was bi. If I had to pinpoint one moment for my sexual awakening, I’d probably go for the first time I saw Han Solo in Star Wars. I mean, can you really blame me?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I never tried to suppress my sexuality, maybe I’m lucky. I just realised I was bi and accepted it. I was already different, it was just another thing to add to the list, really. I’ve never been open about it, though. This is the first time I’ve really talked about it with anyone before.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I wish I could help you with your crush on your friend, but the truth is, I’m in the same boat. I’ve never had a friend as close as this one guy, and then I have to go ahead and ruin it by developing feelings. Life’s pretty unfair. Maybe we can help each other with getting over our feelings, I’m sure there’s some guides out there that’ll tell us what we should be doing. I’ll look some up.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’m really proud of you for saying that you’re gay, it mustn’t have been easy to admit so plainly. I guess this is like a mini coming out for you, should we celebrate?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — Bender  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy’s heart swelled, he’d never felt more accepted for his sexuality than he did by this random Greendale student. Importantly, he now had the knowledge that Bender was a guy, which not only narrowed down the potential people that he could be, but also made Troy feel even more understood. Guys can like guys, it wasn’t weird or immoral or wrong. Troy and Bender knew that, and everything would be okay. </p>
<p>They started sending emails regularly, at least once a day, and it was nice. It was nice to have someone there, someone that he didn’t have to worry would judge him or out him or anything. Troy would find himself zoning out in class, wondering what Bender was doing right in that moment, wondering what class he was in, what he was learning, what he looked like…</p>
<p>Troy kind of desperately wanted to know who he was, even though he himself would probably have a mental breakdown if Bender ever found out that he was the so called “Trevor“. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t have fun playing a guessing game, using every little detail to narrow down the possible people he could be. Troy didn’t know much about Bender so far, the list went as follows: he was a guy, he was an outcast, he was in his second year at Greendale like Troy, and he loved Oreos. It was so minimal to go on that Troy had started eyeing everyone in the cafeteria every time he had a lunch break just in case he ever saw an Oreo packet in the wild. </p>
<p>Then, after about a week of emails, he did. He was walking towards the table that the study group was seated at with his tray in hand, when he caught a flash of an Oreo packet slightly to the left of his eyeline. Troy turned his head in its direction immediately, and looked up to see the culprit of the Oreo massacre, and there was Neil, eating lunch by himself. Neil, who was a second year Greendale student, who was a social outcast, who was a guy - and, who apparently liked Oreos. </p>
<p>Troy stopped in his tracks as he eyed him, then quickly remembered where he was and sat at the lunch table with his friends. But all the conversation went in one ear and out the other, because all Troy could think about was Bender, and Neil, and if they were the same person based on the most minimal information. He went through the questions he could ask to narrow down if it really could be Neil, then suddenly it was time for class. He’d have to figure it out later. </p>
<p>
  <em> I’m really glad you did well on your test, congrats man! Hey, do you mind if I change the subject for a bit? Do you ever feel like you need to escape reality? Because I do. Sometimes I get so lost in a show or a movie or in sport, and it feels nice to get away from the real world for a while and be someone else, someone nonexistent.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Do you get that too? My mum always said that my video game skills would come in handy, but I think she was just being nice because I’d be playing them 24/7. I think I like games because I don’t have to be me for just a little bit.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — Trevor  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I completely get you, Trevor. More than you could ever know. Sometimes I even say that I was raised by TV, I feel like I’m more myself when I get lost in art than I ever am when I’m in reality. I get it with games, too, it’s fun to make believe with games and become someone different. I’ve been told that I live more in my imagination than in real life, which I guess is true. It’s nice to know that you can relate, because I think that’s one of the things that makes me such an outcast. I’m glad you wouldn’t judge me for it.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> How was your weekend? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — Bender  </em>
</p>
<p>If there were one thing that Troy knew about Neil, it was that he loved Dungeons and Dragons. He liked to become a hero in the game just for a couple of hours, just to feel wanted and happy for a little while. Bender was practically admitting that he was Neil right in front of Troy’s eyes, but he was still wary to jump to conclusions, especially so early on. Besides, the longer they didn’t know who each other were, the longer they could talk, and the more they'd become friends. Troy didn’t want to jeopardise what they had just for some cheap mystery plot. He knew he had to take it slow. </p>
<p>——</p>
<p>Bender had told Troy about a movie he really liked, it was a movie that he’d heard Abed talk about possibly a million times before - but Troy had even heard about it before he ever met Abed, he figured it must’ve been really popular. It was called <em> The Breakfast Club.  </em></p>
<p>Troy and Abed were having another movie night in Abed’s dorm, and Troy asked if he could choose the movie this time. Usually, Troy just let Abed have free reign on the movies every time because, well, he was sort of an expert on the topic. Abed seemed excited to hear what Troy’s suggestion could be, almost as if he’d been waiting to hear what Troy’s first suggestion would be for a long time. </p>
<p>“Can we, uh, watch The Breakfast Club?”</p>
<p>Abed’s eyes lit up, “You’re finally letting me show you The Breakfast Club? Cool. Cool, cool, cool.”</p>
<p>He watched Abed grab the movie from his DVD shelf and then remembered something he’d brought in his bag specially for their movie night. </p>
<p>“Oh, I brought Oreos, by the way.” He fished them out of his bag and opened the packet, quickly shoving a cookie in his mouth. Troy had to admit, they really were quite good. </p>
<p>Abed’s brows furrowed slightly as he turned back to Troy, “I love Oreos.”</p>
<p>Troy smiled and threw one for Abed to catch, “Cool. Now let me see what all the hype is about this movie.”</p>
<p>Abed settled back down into the couch, happily chewing on a cookie as he did. “I can’t wait to see what you think.”</p>
<p>“Me too.”</p>
<p>——</p>
<p>
  <em> So, I watched the breakfast club the other day, and now I think I get your pseudonym. Bender like John Bender, right? It was a really great movie, you should give me more suggestions. I’d love to hear them!!! </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Did you hear that Vicki’s having a party? Will I see you there?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — Trevor  </em>
</p>
<p>While Troy was getting ready for Vicki’s party, he texted Abed to double check if he still needed Pierce to pick him up from his dorm. Abed wasn’t really a party person, but he liked parties a lot more when Troy was there, and he told Troy as much. It always seemed like Troy did everything that Abed did, but Abed did some things that he never used to do for Troy, too. That was just how they worked. </p>
<p>As Troy stepped into the party, he took in the atmosphere, the smell of beer, and the heat that seemed to emanate from everyone. But all he could think about was what Bender had written to him after his last email - <em> I don’t really like parties, but I’ll go for you. </em>For some reason, reading that line made Troy’s heart flutter in his chest, and as he scanned the party-goers he could feel that flutter rising up again. Troy hoped that the fact that he knew Bender would be there would shrink the pool of possibilities, but nearly everyone from their year showed up - Vicki had a really big house. Hell, even the Dean was dancing in amongst the crowd. </p>
<p>Troy spent most of the party hanging with the study group, drinking beer, in a daze of happiness. He felt almost like he used to feel in high school, when everything was going right for him. He grabbed another beer from the ice bin and stumbled around outside before sitting on a random bench. As he sat down he noticed another bench across from his, further into the garden and vaguely hidden from sight, with someone sitting on it. Troy squinted through the darkness of the night and tried to make out who it could be, then he figured it out. Neil. </p>
<p>Troy blew out a long breath from his nose and before he knew it, he was getting up again and making his way to Neil, then he sat down right next to him. </p>
<p>“Hey.”</p>
<p>Neil shifted uncomfortably where he sat, Troy figured he probably didn’t expect to be seen anytime soon. </p>
<p>“Hey…” Troy tried again, trying to think of more words. “Why are you all the way over here?”</p>
<p>Neil sighed and finally acknowledged the man beside him, “I don’t know. I don’t really like parties, I’m not sure why I’m even here.”</p>
<p>The breath caught in Troy’s throat after he processed Neil’s words. The exact words that Bender had used in his email. Troy gaped, that was practically a confirmation, right? His brain was swimming with new information and alcohol and he wasn’t sure what to do next, so he just turned to Neil and hugged him. </p>
<p>Neil jerked himself back and hesitantly patted Troy’s side, unsure of where to put his hands. “Uh, thanks? I think? How much have you had to drink?”</p>
<p>Troy mumbled an answer into Neil’s shoulder, he couldn’t even hear his own voice, so there was no way that Neil caught it.</p>
<p>“Okay, buddy. Maybe it’s time for you to go home.”</p>
<p>Everything was confusing after that, all Troy knew was that he was now going to Annie’s apartment, because somehow it was the closest home to Vicki’s. Troy didn’t complain, he fell asleep in the back of god knows who’s car before being dragged out and up to Annie’s room. As soon as the door opened, he flopped onto her couch. </p>
<p>While he buried his face into the cushions, he realised something, “Annie?”</p>
<p>Annie’s voice came from some far away place, “Yeah, Troy?” </p>
<p>“Do you live above Dildopolos?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Troy, you already know that.”</p>
<p>“I do?”</p>
<p>There was a sigh from somewhere closer to Troy’s head, and suddenly there was a glass of water being shoved into his hand and he was being told to drink. Troy wondered since when water tasted so good. </p>
<p>“Better?”</p>
<p>“I think so. The nap helped, too.”</p>
<p>Annie gave Troy a stern look, as if she didn’t believe that Troy was telling the truth. </p>
<p>Troy flashed Annie a smile, feigning innocence. </p>
<p>Another sigh. “Alright, go to the bathroom. I’ll try and find you a shirt to sleep in. You can take the couch.”</p>
<p>Troy nodded and did what he was told, coming back out to Annie handing him a random shirt, one that must fit Annie like a dress. He thanked her and changed before making his way to the couch, where a blanket and a pillow was already laid out nicely for him. He laid down and got comfortable, and was about to drift off to sleep until he heard Annie calling his name. </p>
<p>“Yeah, Annie?”</p>
<p>“Do you ever… feel… weird?”</p>
<p>“Of course, all the time. I think weird is the default for me.”</p>
<p>“No, not like that.” </p>
<p>“Then like what?”</p>
<p>“I feel like I’m always watching from the outside, like there’s this invisible line that I have to cross to really be a part of everything.”</p>
<p>Troy sighed into the night as he slowly sobered up, “I feel that way too, sometimes.”</p>
<p>“I wish I was the type of person who could just go out and get drunk and hook up, but I always have to worry about every little thing.” Troy lifted his head to try and make out Annie in the dark as she continued, “I just wish I could be a… casual person.”</p>
<p>Troy wasn’t sure how to reply to that, as someone who usually had social situations come easy to him, “What kind of person are you?”</p>
<p>Troy could see the outline of Annie flop backwards in her bed, “I think…” Troy could hear Annie taking in a deep breath, “I think I’m the type of person who’s destined to care about another person so much that it’ll kill me.”</p>
<p>Troy laid back down into the couch cushions, and his mind wandered to Abed as he breathed out, “Me too,”</p>
<p>——</p>
<p>
  <em> I hope you’re resting now, Trevor. The party was a little wild, wasn’t it? I’m glad I went, though - It’s nice to get out of your comfort zone every once in a while. I’m not sure what’s brought this on, but your emails have made me more confident lately, and now I think… I’m going to come out to one of my friends. I can’t lie, I’m absolutely terrified. But if it doesn’t go well, at least I know I’ll have you here for me.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Love, Bender.  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy noticed a slight shift in the study group dynamic that study session, Abed and Annie kept looking at each other across the table, sharing secret smiles and glances. It made Troy’s stomach turn, because of course Abed had to be into girls, and of course he was into Annie. Troy had been running out of excuses for not finding Annie attractive for over a year, to the point where the next time someone brought it up he was sure we was just going to scream “I’M GAY!” at the top of his lungs. He couldn’t deny that she was conventionally attractive, and she probably garnered a lot of attention from guys around the college - well, she got Jeff, Vaughn, <em> and </em>Rich’s attention. It was only a matter of time before Abed started falling for her too, but god, Troy just wished they’d quiet down with the stolen glances. </p>
<p>“Stop!” Jeff’s voice shook Troy from his thoughts, “Break time. Alright, who’s up for lunch?”</p>
<p>Everyone murmured in agreement as they shared lunch suggestions. Through the noise Troy quickly stood up and made a beeline for Britta.</p>
<p>“Can we go to lunch together?” He cleared his throat, trying to appear casual, “Senor Kevin’s is close by, I know you’ve always wanted to try their cage-free bean burrito.”</p>
<p>Britta looked alarmed at first, but warmed up to Troy once he mentioned the meal that she’d only brought up once around him. She smiled warmly and genuinely, “Sure. I know you’ve always wanted to go up their spiral parking ramp, you can drive.”</p>
<p>Troy fist pumped the air, he’d hit the jackpot. </p>
<p>Troy tried to focus on everything that Britta was saying during their drive, but he was almost bursting at the seams, his mind clouded with replays of Annie and Abed throughout the afternoon, of Neil at the party, of Bender, of being gay and nobody knowing- </p>
<p>“Hey, Troy, are you okay?”</p>
<p>Troy loosened his grip on the steering wheel as he snapped out of his thoughts. He was missing the best part of driving - the spiral ramp. </p>
<p>“Yeah. It’s just, I’m trying to… concentrate.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Britta smiled at him reassuringly. </p>
<p>They ate their lunch in a mutual silence, Troy could tell that Britta was buzzing to talk, but she seemed to sense that he needed some space. Once they’d both finished their meals, he took a sip of his drink and tried to calm his nerves a little. </p>
<p>Britta rested her elbows on the table, fingers linked in front of her face. “So, Troy, was there a reason why you wanted to have lunch alone with me?”</p>
<p>Troy hummed a “yes”, not yet knowing how to articulate himself. </p>
<p>“This isn’t a date, is it?”</p>
<p>Troy choked on the bit of drink that he still held in his mouth, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. “God, no. No, this isn’t a date.”</p>
<p>Britta’s own brows raised exceptionally as Troy spluttered, “Well, okay-“</p>
<p>Troy gathered himself enough to interrupt her, “Not that- not that you’re not, uh, very hot and, um, quite a catch?” Troy grimaced. </p>
<p>“Thanks, I guess…” Britta eyed him quizzically and he burned under her gaze, “So, if I’m <em> very hot </em> and <em> quite a catch </em>, why isn’t this a date?”</p>
<p>Troy’s eyes darted around the restaurant, trying to find anything else to talk about. “Did you see Abed and Annie today? Weird, right?”</p>
<p>“What’s weird about them?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know…” Troy swallowed, “They kept looking at each other and smiling, I mean, that was weird for Abed.”</p>
<p>“I think they’re sweet.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Troy tried to remain casual, “yeah, me too. Sweet.”</p>
<p>Britta raised an eyebrow at him and checked her phone for the time and sighed, “We should probably get back to the study room.”</p>
<p>Troy nodded frantically and got up to pay his half of the bill, desperate to get away before he revealed everything. </p>
<p>A thick blanket of awkward tension covered Troy and Britta as he drove them back to Greendale, he didn’t know what to say and she didn’t know what to think. His mind was on Bender. If Bender could come out to one of his friends, to allow himself that much openness, then maybe Troy could do it, too. What was the risk, anyway? Britta was an outspoken activist, LGBT+ rights included, and she learnt her lesson after the Valentine's day dance left her embarrassed and without a lesbian friend. So, what was stopping Troy from coming out? If he could influence Bender to come out, then maybe he could find it in himself to be influenced back. </p>
<p>He slowly pulled over to the curb, they hadn’t yet reached the campus. </p>
<p>“Britta?” He rested his hands on top of the steering wheel, sneaking a glance at Britta by his side. </p>
<p>“Troy, what's going on? Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“I’m fine, I’m fine.” He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, “Can I tell you something? But you have to promise to keep it a secret.”</p>
<p>Britta’s hand grasped Troy’s shoulder, “Of course, I’m always here for you.”</p>
<p>Troy blew a puff of air out of his nose and turned to face Britta, her eyes were wide and her brows were creased with worry. “Britta… I’m gay.”</p>
<p>“Oh, Troy,” Her worry faded into happiness as she leaned in to hug him, “I’m so proud of you for telling me.”</p>
<p>Troy wrapped his arms around Britta, welcoming the hug and squeezing her tight. He willed himself not to cry, he reminded himself that he had to look presentable when they got back to the group. </p>
<p>“Thanks, Britta.”</p>
<p>She pulled back slightly, looking him in the eyes earnestly, “I really am proud of you, Troy. I’m so glad that you trust me with such an intimate part of you. I’m always here for you if you need to talk, okay?”</p>
<p>Troy nodded, afraid of the lump on his throat as tears prickled behind his eyes. All he could do was lean in for another hug. After a good minute, he pulled back and cleared his throat, hands resting on the steering wheel once again.</p>
<p>“Should we get back to the group?”</p>
<p>Troy nodded, smiling earnestly for the first time that day. </p>
<p>——</p>
<p>
  <em> How did it go with your friend? I’m glad to know I’m inspiring you, because your email inspired me, too! I came out to one of my friends today!!!! You have to tell me how your coming out went so we can swap stories. Mine went way better than expected :) </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> By the way, I think the friend I have a crush on likes my other friend. Who is a girl. The upside is, maybe I can use this situation to try and get over him? I don’t know. Tell me what you think.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Love, Trevor.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’m so proud of you for coming out! Mine went better than expected, too. They were so understanding and accepting and it was wonderful, I think we’re closer than ever, now.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, if it makes you feel better, I’m in the same boat. The friend I like went out on a date today, also with a girl. You’re right, though. This is our chance to get over the straight guys and worry about other things instead. Y’know, maybe we don’t need those guides I googled after all.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Love, Bender.  </em>
</p>
<p>They’d been signing their emails with “Love,” for a couple days now, and it made Troy’s heart swell. A lot of things about Bender’s emails made Troy’s heart swell - the way that he matched Troy’s weirdness so perfectly, the way that he always asked Troy about his weekend every week without fail, the way that he seemed to genuinely like the real Troy inside. </p>
<p>Troy wondered if it was possible to fall for someone just from reading words on a screen. </p>
<p>Troy made a plan that at their Anthropology class that week, he was going to try and befriend Neil, for real this time. Not because of a rescue mission, not because Troy was drunk and curious, but because he genuinely wanted to get to know the guy. Well, maybe he had the ulterior motive of trying to figure out if Neil was really Bender, but that wasn’t the point. </p>
<p>Once the class finally came around, Troy walked right past his friends and sat right next to Neil, who fumbled in his seat nervously and flashed Troy a shy smile. </p>
<p>“Hey.” Troy gave what he knew was his most winning smile and grabbed some Oreos out of his bag, gesturing the packet to Neil. “Want one?”</p>
<p>Neil looked at Troy, as if trying to scope whether or not he was serious. Troy just gestured the packet further forward, shoving a cookie into his own mouth as he did. </p>
<p>Neil grabbed a single cookie and nodded towards Troy gratefully, “Thanks,”</p>
<p>Troy tried to put on a confident voice. “So, Neil, how are you?” </p>
<p>“Good, I guess…” Neil bit into the cookie slowly, “How are you feeling after Vicki’s party?”</p>
<p>Troy blushed, remembering their drunken embrace, “Pretty good, actually. Sorry for… being weird.”</p>
<p>Neil chuckled lightly, smiling. “It’s okay, man. You don’t have to apologise to me with cookies, or whatever…”</p>
<p>Troy made a shocked gasp - he was spending too much time with Annie, “Please, this isn’t an apology. I’m just trying to share some good snacks with my good friend Neil. In fact, you should thank me for the hug, I’ve been told I’m quite a good hugger.” Troy wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. </p>
<p>Neil chuckled again, more genuinely this time, and smiled warmly at Troy, “You’ve been told right.” </p>
<p>Troy spent the rest of the lesson trying to get Neil to warm up to him and open up a little - Neil was a shy, guarded person and Troy wanted to make him feel welcome, like there was nothing to be scared about. Neil had started laughing and smiling more frequently throughout the period, so Troy took it as a success. There was even a moment where Duncan told everyone to find a page in their textbook that had questions on it so that he could drive to the liquor store quickly. Troy spluttered embarrassedly when he’d realised that he didn’t bring his textbook, but Neil offered that Troy looked on in his. Definitely a success. </p>
<p>After study group that evening, Troy smiled to himself as he packed up his things, happy with his achievements for the day. Plus, Troy was meeting Abed in his dorm that night, which just added to the happiness. When he looked up from zipping his backpack closed, the study room was empty save for him and Britta. </p>
<p>“You’re happy today,” Britta smiled mischievously.</p>
<p>“Yes, I am. Is that okay?” Troy bit back lightheartedly. </p>
<p>“Of course it’s okay!” Britta feigned innocence before turning mischievous again, “So, how's Neil?”</p>
<p>Troy choked mildly on the nothing in his throat, and tried to remain neutral. “Why don’t you ask him yourself?” </p>
<p>“No, I think you’ve got that covered.” Britta walked up to him and patted his shoulder, “He’s cute.”</p>
<p>“What?” Troy blurted out, alarmed. </p>
<p>Britta giggled, “Nothing, Troy.” She grabbed her bag and exited the study room, “Goodnight.”</p>
<p>Troy was left standing there, stunned and a little embarrassed. </p>
<p>——</p>
<p>Bender had started to recommend Troy ten movies a week, as per Troy’s request. Actually, Troy requested that Bender tell him all his favourite movies, but apparently there were too many to name, so Bender instead opted for compiling a list of ten movies at the end of each week. Troy always had some difficulty paying attention to movies, especially while alone. So every time he got a list - of which he’d gotten three now - he’d single out the ones that Abed hadn’t showed him yet, looked up the synopses for the ones that were left, and decided on one to watch during his and Abed’s weekly movie night - which was every Tuesday. </p>
<p>Every time Troy brought up a movie suggestion, Abed would wear a curious look before lighting up and indulging the suggestion. Every time, without fail, the movie Troy brought up would be one of Abed’s favourite movies. But there was no reason to think too hard about it, Abed loved all movies, so of course he’d like the same ones as Bender. They both had great taste. </p>
<p>
  <em> Thank you for the suggestions!! I watched fight club this week. Is it normal to be kinda scared of myself now? Like, what am I truly capable of? Also, that movie was gay. Like SUPER gay. Do people realise that? The jack guy absolutely wanted to bang brad pitt, but can you blame him? Now every time I buy soap I’ll think of you.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I really wish we could watch all these movies together, I bet you have the best commentary while watching stuff. A lot of people don’t like when others talk over movies, but for some reason it helps me concentrate when someone’s talking to me at the same time as us watching. Is that weird? I think about you a lot, sometimes I really wish I knew who you were so we could be even closer.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Do you feel that too? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Love, Trevor  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy was feeling weirdly sentimental that weekend, he loved his friends so much, he was so grateful to have them and for everything they did for him. He was grateful for Britta for being so cool about him being gay, he was grateful for Abed for being the most amazing person that Troy had ever met. He was grateful for Bender, for giving Troy an outlet, for being a friend. He’d only sent his last email out a couple hours ago, but Troy already wanted to email him again and tell him what he was feeling. He checked the time before unlocking his phone, it was 2am. </p>
<p>
  <em> I know I already emailed you today, but I just feel really… warm. Like I’m so grateful for everyone, including you. I’m really really glad I messaged you all those weeks ago. I’m glad you had the courage to post on the confession page in the first place. I’m just so glad.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I think about you all the time. I’m always looking for you in everyone, I want to know who you are so desperately so we can hug and be friends for real. Not that this isn’t enough for me, but I just can’t help but hope for it. I hope it’s not weird that I’m trying to figure out who you are. It’s not that I want to ruin the anonymity we have or expose you or anything, I just feel like we’ve reached a point in our friendship where it doesn’t matter who we are. Does any of that make sense? I don’t know, maybe I should sleep.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Love, Trevor.  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy sent the email and drifted off to sleep. </p>
<p>
  <em> Trevor, I understand. I really, really do. I’m looking for you everywhere, too. But I’m still so scared. I hope that’s okay.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Love, Bender.  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy wanted to respect Bender’s wishes, he really did. But Bender kept telling him more and more information about his life, and Troy couldn’t help but keep wondering, keep searching. Troy had so much more information about Bender now, things that would help narrow down the pool of potential Benders: he was a picky eater, his parents were separated, he was an only child, his favourite colour was purple…</p>
<p>There was a lot to go off of, all things considered. </p>
<p>At lunch that Monday, Troy got out of class earlier than everyone else, and went to the cafeteria to see Neil eating lunch alone, again. So he grabbed his tray and slid into the bench across from him. </p>
<p>“Hey, Neil.”</p>
<p>Neil smiled as he took a sip from his juice box, “Hey, Troy.”</p>
<p>Troy started on his food as he made light conversation, “So, any plans after class?”</p>
<p>Neil thought about it for a second before responding, “Not really, but my sister’s coming down with her boyfriend this weekend, so that’s exciting, I guess.”</p>
<p><em> Sister. </em>Well, maybe Bender could be lying about being an only child. “Oh, cool! Cool, are your parents excited?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, super excited. They’ve really missed her, it’s been kinda empty with just the three of us in the house for the past year.” Neil replied nonchalantly. </p>
<p>Well, there goes the separated parents. </p>
<p>“What about you? Any plans?”</p>
<p>“Nothing. Hey, can I ask you something?” Troy had one more thing to test. </p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>“Do you like that movie The Breakfast Club?”</p>
<p>Neil’s brows furrowed, “Random question. Would you hate me if I said I’ve never seen it? I know it’s a classic, but…”</p>
<p>Neil’s next sentence after that didn’t process in Troy’s brain for a second. So, he’d been wrong this entire time, Neil wasn’t Bender, and now he was completely back to square one. He was so sure that Neil fit the profile, and he did. There was just another imaginative outcast in his second year that Troy must’ve failed to consider. </p>
<p>While getting lost in his thoughts, the rest of the study group piled into the cafeteria and joined him and Neil for lunch. Britta squeezed in on Neil’s bench, always the last to arrive, and wiggled her eyebrows at Troy suggestively, eyes flicking back and forth between Troy and Neil. Troy responded with a tight lipped, halfhearted smile as his previous conceptions crumbled around him. </p>
<p>At study group that day, all Troy could think about was who Bender could be. Thankfully, it was another day of everyone boredly playing fruit chopping games on their phones, so he nonchalantly checked his emails, hoping to find more clues for who the anonymous emailer could be. After going through half of them, Troy noticed a pattern - Troy never got emails during study group sessions, and he rarely ever got them when he was hanging out with the group or with Abed. That means…</p>
<p>Oh my god, could Bender be Jeff?</p>
<p>Troy gaped at his phone and looked up at the man across from him, surveying his behaviour. Troy guessed that Jeff could be bi - because, well, who’s to say? Plus, his parents were separated and he was an only child… except he wasn’t as full of childlike wonder as Bender was, and he definitely wasn’t an outcast. Not to mention, Troy had never seen Jeff even look at an Oreo in the entire time that he’d known him. Also, Jeff was about a hundred years old. </p>
<p>Troy wrinkled his nose as the prospect of Jeff being Bender, it didn’t really make any sense to him. But he had no semblance of a clue about who he could be. He couldn’t be Neil, he couldn’t be Rich, so who was he? Pavel? Garrett? Starburns? Hell, was he Leonard?</p>
<p>Troy felt like everything he knew about Bender was gone, and he was back to square one, back to being completely clueless. It made him a little sad, to think that he’d been looking in the wrong direction the entire time and missing who he could really be. Bender could well and truly be a faceless person in the crowd that Troy had never acknowledged in his life. Yeah, it definitely made Troy sad. </p>
<p>——</p>
<p>It was the weekend after the Anthropology final, and Vicki was holding another party to celebrate - Duncan was invited, of course, as the resident alcohol drinker. Troy had been feeling worse and worse about not knowing who Bender was, and thought the party would be his last chance to figure out who he was in an enclosed space. </p>
<p>
  <em> How was finals week for you? I’m hoping I passed everything, I’m gonna send you good luck in case you’re worried about your results :)  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but I just realised recently that the person I thought you were was never you at all. I really believed I knew who you were but I’d been looking in the complete wrong direction. It makes me really sad to know that you’re out there somewhere and we’ve probably never even looked at each other twice. If I saw you and knew who you were I would definitely look at you twice. Maybe even three times.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Anyway, are you going to Vicki’s finals party? Maybe I can look at you twice there.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Love, Trevor  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy was checking his phone constantly until the second he walked into Vicki’s house, but Bender never responded. He tried to distract himself from the sinking feeling in his gut and just focus on having a nice time with his friends. He didn’t want to drink too much this time, instead just nursing two beers throughout the night - enough to give him a warm buzz, but not enough to have him hauled off to Annie’s apartment again. </p>
<p>The night was nice, there was chaos all outside but in his little bubble - on the couch with Abed just having a conversation like they were the only people in the world - it was just nice. Troy came home feeling blissful and light and warm, and he checked his emails for the first time in hours to see that Bender had responded. </p>
<p>
  <em> Sorry for the late reply, but I was at Vicki’s party. I’m sorry that I’m not the person you hoped I was, that’s kind of why I want to remain anonymous. I don’t want you to be disappointed. Can’t we just stay like this? Just for a little while? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — Bender  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy’s heart sank at the message, he didn’t want Bender to think he was disappointed in who he could be. That wasn’t his intention, he just wanted to know who he was so desperately, he wasn’t even thinking. He quickly wrote up a response, his brain feeling fuzzy on the edges. </p>
<p>
  <em> That’s not what I meant!! I’m not disappointed in who you are I just wanna know who you are I’m so sorry please don’t think that I’ll be disappointed in you. How could I be?? You’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me I’m just nosy and curious and an idiot. Of course we can just stay like this if that’s how you’re comfortable. I’m sorry  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Love, </em>
</p>
<p>Troy’s emotions switched from upset to giggly as he realised he’d typed his name out as “Troyver”. He laughed at his mistake, quickly correcting it by backspacing the last three letters and sending the email. </p>
<p>
  <em> Love, Troy  </em>
</p>
<p>He laid down on top of his covers, relaxing into the mattress as he let his eyelids get heavy, then suddenly-</p>
<p>Shit. </p>
<p>He scrambled for his phone, looking at the email that was well and truly sent, with no chance of return. He didn’t know what to do, or what to even say to fix the situation. His brain was too fuzzy and his hands were trembling and he felt his stomach fall through the floor. All he could do was send another email. </p>
<p>
  <em> Please ignore the name on that last email, please please. I’m just Trevor. Please ignore that I don’t even know what to say haha I don’t even know a Troy!! It’s so funny that I’d write Troy when I’ve never actually met one in my entire life. That’s so funny, right? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Anyway this is Trevor!!!!! </em>
</p>
<p>His heart was pounding in his chest. There was no believable way to explain the mistake he made, but he was just hoping that Bender would forget about it, or that he’d just give Troy the benefit of the doubt. </p>
<p>It took him some time to get to sleep that night. </p>
<p>There was a second when he woke up where he felt happy and well rested until he remembered the situation that he got himself into just a couple of hours before. He slowly picked up his phone, terrified of what he might see when he opened it. He had a notification for one new email. </p>
<p>
  <em> Troy Barnes? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — Bender  </em>
</p>
<p>His heart felt like it was in his stomach. He suddenly felt very hot, so he kicked the covers off of himself and sat up in bed, his breathing quick and shallow. How was he even supposed to respond to that? He couldn’t say yes, but Bender would never believe him if he said no. There was a part of him that thought he just shouldn’t respond at all. Maybe he’d delete his email and change his name and move schools and never have to risk being perceived so deeply again. </p>
<p>But he had to be realistic, he had to assess his options. So, Bender knew who he was. On the surface, that was okay, but… Bender could be anyone, they could hate Troy and hold his secret against him as blackmail. He could out Troy to everyone and ruin his life without a second thought, he could’ve told the whole school by now. </p>
<p>Troy didn’t realise he was wrapped up in himself until he went to check his phone again. He didn’t have any messages from his friends that suggested that he’d been outed, at the very least Britta would’ve told him about it nicely if he were. He checked the Greendale confessions twitter and there was nothing remarkable on there. He let out a breath, he was safe. For now. </p>
<p>He guessed the only thing he could do was ask Bender not to share his secret and hope for the best. </p>
<p>
  <em> Please don’t tell anyone.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> — Troy  </em>
</p>
<p>There were no other options. </p>
<p>——</p>
<p>Everyone at Greendale was at the end of school year picnic, Troy dressed up for the Western theme with everyone else, he was still trying to have some semblance of fun. He wanted to savour the last moments of normalcy that he had - well, normalcy by Greendale’s standards, since they were now in another all out paintball war. Troy appreciated the distraction that the game brought him, the stress of it was enough to drown out the stress of revealing his identity, at least for the day. </p>
<p>Everyone had been treating him normally all day, no one seemed to know his secret, it helped him breathe a little better. That was until the group were sitting at the study table, in the middle of the trashed library, and Abed wouldn’t even look Troy’s way. </p>
<p>Abed had been fine for the entire game, but now that they were sitting right next to each other Troy felt further away from him than he had felt the whole day. What was worse was that Abed kept giving Annie secret smiles again, and she blushed and giggled every time. It hurt more that Troy couldn’t even email Bender about the situation later, because that had been ripped away from him, too. </p>
<p>After Pierce’s grand exit, the group were left staring at where he had stood in bewilderment, and Troy took it as his opportunity to let his secret out on his own terms. </p>
<p>Troy cleared his throat, trying to garner everyone’s attention. “Hey, guys? I have something I want to tell you all.”</p>
<p>Everyone’s eyes turned to him, and Jeff spoke, “What is it?”</p>
<p>“There’s something about me that I… That I’ve hidden from you guys. And I’m actually really glad that Pierce isn’t here to hear this…”</p>
<p>The group kept looking at him expectantly, and Britta gave Troy a warm smile, trying to convey her support. He wished he could be holding her hand. </p>
<p>He took a deep breath, he figured there was no point in waiting. “Guys, I’m gay.”</p>
<p>“Aww, Troy! I’m so proud of you!” Annie leaped out of her seat and enveloped Troy in a bone crushing hug. </p>
<p>Troy saw Jeff nodding and smiling through Annie’s hair, “That’s great, Troy.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, Troy. I’m really proud of you.” Troy couldn’t see Britta but he knew she was smiling. </p>
<p>He risked a glance at Shirley, who was grasping the cross around her neck lightly. She noticed his eyes on her and spoke up, “Well, God does create us all in his image. Who am I to doubt him?”</p>
<p>“Thanks, guys.”</p>
<p>Troy didn’t have time to wonder if being created in god’s image meant that god was also gay before Annie separated from the hug and his eyes fell immediately onto Abed. A silence fell over the table as everyone waited for his reaction. He lifted his eyes from the spot of paint he’d been staring at and made eye contact with Troy for the first time since they sat down. </p>
<p>“I’m happy for you.” He gave one of his smiles that Troy knew he’d perfected in the mirror, and his eyes were downcast again. </p>
<p>“Alright, that was a very sweet moment, everyone. Now, are we going to Denny’s or what?” Jeff smiled around the table and everyone murmured happily in agreement. </p>
<p>Troy thought that he’d feel a weight off his chest when he came out, but Abed’s reaction made the pit in Troy’s stomach grow even bigger. Abed was quiet during lunch, only becoming talkative or animated when talking specifically about the game, then reverting back to silence when the conversation topic shifted to real life. </p>
<p>Troy wanted to pull him aside, ask him what was wrong or blow up in his face and demand to know if he had a problem with gay people. Just something, anything. But when the group made to exit, Annie asked Troy to drive her home, because she needed to talk to him. He accepted that he had to confront Abed another day. </p>
<p>The ride to Annie’s was filled with friendly conversation, but as soon as Troy pulled up to her apartment, she started fidgeting silently, seemingly filled with nerves. </p>
<p>“What’s up, Annie? Should I be worried?”</p>
<p>Annie smiled nervously, “No, there’s nothing to worry about. I’m really proud of you, you know? For coming out...”</p>
<p>Something light bubbled inside Troy's chest. “Thank you,”</p>
<p>“I just wanted you to know that, and- um- I wanted to tell you that…” Annie looked up from the hole in her stockings and locked eyes with Troy, “I’m a lesbian.” </p>
<p>A broad smile broke across Troy’s face. “Annie, I’m so proud of you! Thank you for trusting me with that.”</p>
<p>He enveloped her in a hug, much alike the hug she’d given him a couple of hours before. She squeezed back tightly and Troy could feel her smile into his shoulder. He realised he was so caught up in his own issues that he never realized that his friends could be going through similar experiences, but he was glad he could be there for her now. They pulled apart, smiling giddily.</p>
<p>“Wait- this whole time I thought, y’know… you and Abed?”</p>
<p>Annie gave Troy an incredulous look, “Troy, what are you talking about?”</p>
<p>He sighed. “I mean, you guys kept giggling and looking at each other today, I thought that maybe… I don’t know.”</p>
<p>Annie blushed and gave Troy a sheepish smile, “He was looking at me like that because I may have… found a cute girl at the picnic.” Troy raised his eyebrows, amused. “When you went off on your own she texted me and I went off to team up with her. Me and Abed had run out of ammo, so…”</p>
<p>Troy couldn’t help but smile at Annie’s nervous demeanor, “Wow, I really had you guys all wrong, didn’t I?”</p>
<p>Annie giggled, “Yeah, but that’s okay. I had you all wrong, too.”</p>
<p>They shared a smile before Troy spoke again, “So, when am I meeting this girl? What’s her name?”</p>
<p>Annie giggled again, cheeks warming considerably. “Her name is Rachel. And I don’t know, I only just got her number.”</p>
<p>“Okay, well tell Rachel that if she gives you any problems she has me to deal with.” Annie rolled her eyes and punched Troy’s arm lightly, earning a gasp of mock hurt from him. </p>
<p>Then Troy realised something, “Wait, so if Abed knew about Rachel, then does he know you’re a lesbian?”</p>
<p>Annie nodded, “Yeah, actually I told him over a month ago. I wanted to tell you, too, but… I genuinely didn’t know what you’d think.”</p>
<p>Troy frowned at that, “I’m sorry I didn’t come off as someone you could trust.”</p>
<p>Annie shook her head, “It’s not your fault, I was just overly cautious.”</p>
<p>“But wait, if Abed knows about you and is supportive then…” Troy sighed deeply, “Why is he being so weird about me coming out?”</p>
<p>Annie gave Troy a look of pure sympathy and reached out to pat his shoulder, “Troy… you should really talk to him.”</p>
<p>Troy smiled at her halfheartedly and nodded, “Yeah.”</p>
<p>They said their goodbyes and she exited his car with a kiss to his cheek. He didn’t talk to Abed. </p>
<p>——</p>
<p>Troy was supposed to enjoy the school holidays, they were objectively the best part of the year. But all he could do was mope around Pierce’s mansion, thinking about Abed, about Bender, about everything falling apart right when he needed some normalcy. He didn’t want to message Abed, he felt like he deserved to get an explanation from him before he could talk to him again. Even though not having Abed to text every two minutes was killing Troy inside. The study group all had their own lives, so it wasn’t like he was waiting for any of them to call any day soon. </p>
<p>But there was still Bender. He never responded to Troy’s email that day, and Troy had sent some more small emails begging him to respond, to say literally anything about what he was feeling or thinking. He couldn’t take the anxiety anymore, so Troy picked out a day on the calendar and wrote up one last email to send out. </p>
<p>
  <em> Hey. I don’t know why you’re not talking to me anymore, but I just want you to know that I’m really glad we met. You’ve helped me a lot through the past couple of months, so thank you. I don’t know if you hate me, or if you just don’t like me, or if you don’t care about me anymore. But I still care about you, and I still want to be able to see you, even if it’s the last thing we ever do together.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The carnival’s in town, if that’s your thing. I’ll be there Saturday night, from 6 onwards, I want you to join me. I hope I’ll see you there, if not, then I get the message. I won’t bother you anymore after that.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Love, Troy.  </em>
</p>
<p>Troy didn’t get a reply. </p>
<p>——</p>
<p>Troy showed up to the carnival alone. He hadn’t texted any of his friends about going, he didn’t even tell Pierce where he’d be that night. He didn’t go empty handed, though - he’d brought a wallet full of money and he was determined to ride every ride and play every game that he could. He deserved a fun night out. Plus, Pierce always accidentally gave him way too much money whenever he asked for some spare change. </p>
<p>He tried most of the rides first, then when he started to get a headache he bought himself some food and played every single game that the carnival offered. It was nine o’clock by the time he was done, and he went back to the rides again. He tried to just enjoy himself, he didn’t want to be constantly eyeing the crowd anxiously, hoping some guy will come out of the shadows and introduce himself as Bender. He couldn’t help the nervous energy filling his stomach every time someone said “excuse me”, or asked if he was in line. Every time he hoped he’d turn around and he’d be there. He didn’t want to give up. </p>
<p>There was an hour before the carnival was due to close and Troy decided to choose his last ride - the rollercoaster, of course. Just as he walked up to the coaster he heard someone running up the line and grabbing a ticket. As Troy strapped himself in, he turned to see Abed, flushed and breathless, walking up to his seat. </p>
<p>“Can I sit here?”</p>
<p>Troy furrowed his brows, “Sure.”</p>
<p>Abed silently sat down and strapped himself in before the workers put down the barriers. </p>
<p>Troy turned to Abed as the coaster started to slowly move upward. “How did you know I was here? I didn’t tell anyone I was coming.”</p>
<p>Abed looked back at Troy and gave him a small smile, “I got your email.”</p>
<p>Then the rollercoaster plunged down. </p>
<p>Abed gripped onto the barrier tightly, face morphed into a grimace as they sped downwards. All Troy could go was stare at Abed’s profile as the inertia moved through him. As the coaster pulled slowly upwards once again, Troy watched as Abed drew carefully steady breaths, and everything clicked into place. </p>
<p>“It’s you.”</p>
<p>The coaster plunged downwards again as Troy's world turned upside down. </p>
<p>Troy's mind raced as the new information hit him - Abed was Bender, Abed had been Bender the entire time and Troy never even noticed, he’d never even considered it. Because it was too good to be true. Because Troy never wanted to get his hopes up that the man he’d been pining for for so long maybe wasn’t straight either. </p>
<p>He couldn’t pay attention to the ride, he wasn’t sure if the feeling of his stomach flipping was from the ups and downs of the roller coaster or from the butterflies that were making a home there. Before he could figure it out, the ride was over and Abed was hurryingly unbuckling himself from the coaster. As soon as he was free he rushed towards a bench to sit down. </p>
<p>Troy unbuckled himself shortly after, eyes not leaving Abed’s frame as he approached him. When Troy got closer, he noticed that Abed was leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees, with his hands blocking his ears and his eyes squeezed shut. Troy searched around the surrounding area for a food vendor and bought a bottle of water before sitting next to Abed on the bench, leaving some space between them. </p>
<p>After a minute of silence, Abed turned towards Troy with open eyes and Troy waved the water bottle in his eyesight, asking a silent question. Once Abed got the message, he slowly removed his hands from his ears and sat up straighter, taking the bottle from Troy and drinking almost half of it in one go. Troy wondered how far Abed must’ve ran to catch up to Troy on the rollercoaster. </p>
<p>After Abed returned the bottle, sighing in relief, Troy surveyed his demeanor, which was far more relaxed than a few minutes before, and spoke up. “I can’t believe you rode a rollercoaster for me.”</p>
<p>Abed grimaced, still looking straight ahead. “Yeah, that was really stupid.” Then after a beat, he turned to Troy, “It’s not your fault, though. I thought it would make for a nice big confession scene… I severely miscalculated.”</p>
<p>Troy smiled at the thought of Abed imagining scenes in his head of how he’d confess to Troy, trying to determine the perfect way to do it. </p>
<p>“I can’t believe it’s you.”</p>
<p>Abed glanced at Troy nervously, eyes wide, “Are you mad?”</p>
<p>“How could I be mad? You have no idea how much I wanted it to be you.”</p>
<p>“I thought that if you wanted it to be me, you would’ve noticed… I feel like I was so obvious.”</p>
<p>“Abed…” Troy whined, “You can’t just expect me to notice things, I’m not the most observant person in the world, you know that.”</p>
<p>“I know, I guess I was just hoping that you’d notice so I wouldn’t have to be the one to take the risk.”</p>
<p>Troy hummed, “That makes sense.”</p>
<p>They sat in a comfortable silence as the rides around them started taking their last customers for the night, a question itched in the back of Troy’s mind. </p>
<p>“So, this friend you had a crush on…”</p>
<p>A noticeable blush crept up Abed’s face, reaching the tips of his ears, but he played deliberately coy, “What about it?” </p>
<p>“Was it me?” Troy couldn’t force the hopefulness out of his voice. </p>
<p>Abed looked right into Troy’s eyes, “It <em> is </em>you.”</p>
<p>The fluttery feeling was back in Troy’s stomach, in his chest, it buzzed in every part of his being. He smiled, wide and bright. “My crush is you, too.”</p>
<p>Troy noticed how closely they were sitting now, their elbows almost touching as they rested their hands on the minimal space between them. Abed seemed to notice it, too, because the blush was back in his cheeks. </p>
<p>Abed moved his pinky finger ever so slightly towards Troy’s, “I really want to hold your hand right now.”</p>
<p>Troy could’ve sworn he felt his heart burst with happiness, “Hold it.”</p>
<p>So Abed did. </p>
<p>——</p>
<p>The group made plans to all go to the carnival together, they never really hung out much during school breaks, but this time they made a special effort to catch up with each other. It was a wonderful display of fun and excitement - Jeff and Annie went to the haunted house together, Shirley was scary good at carnival games and won everyone a stuffed animal, Britta questioned the ethics of forcing people to work minimum wage with annoying kids in such heat, Pierce was probably somewhere doing something. </p>
<p>Troy and Abed were practically inseparable, but for different reasons to usual. Where they’d usually just be holding hands and doing every event together, they were also winning prizes for each other, going on couples rides, and sharing food. There was a moment where they’d bought the biggest cotton candy they could find, and as Abed pinched a tuft off and placed it into Troy's mouth, Troy noticed Britta looking at them suspiciously. When he caught her eyes his cheeks warmed and he couldn’t help his embarrassed grin, she just responded with a knowing smirk and looked away to give them some privacy. </p>
<p>They’d planned to leave at seven o’clock to get dinner, but as the sun started to set Troy couldn’t help but notice how beautiful it was. He grabbed Abed's hand, pulling him from the group. Abed questioned his behavior, but Troy didn’t let go until they’d reached the Ferris wheel, where he immediately stopped in line. </p>
<p>“What are we doing?”</p>
<p>“We’re gonna ride the Ferris wheel, is that okay?”</p>
<p>“Yes. Why?”</p>
<p>Troy tried to be confident as he played with Abed’s fingers, which were intertwined with his own. “Because the sky is really pretty and Ferris wheels are always in romantic movies. So I want it to be a part of our story.”</p>
<p>Abed smiled a genuine smile as his hand tightened around Troy’s, “You’re so cute.”</p>
<p>They strapped into the ride and sat in a comfortable silence as they were brought further and further upwards. The clouds morphed into a bright orange against the pinkish-purple hue of the sky. </p>
<p>“You were right, this was a great idea. The sky is beautiful.”</p>
<p>Troy looked at Abed, who was looking out at the horizon, and smiled, “Yeah,”</p>
<p>“Have you ever seen something so beautiful?”</p>
<p>Troy knew, in the back of his mind, that he was the biggest cliche in the universe at that moment, but he didn’t care. All he could see was Abed’s profile lit up by the setting sun and a sparkle in his eyes as he smiled into the open air. “Yeah, I have.” </p>
<p>Abed looked back at Troy and noticed where his eyes lay, smile unfaltering. “I love you.” </p>
<p>Troy matched Abed’s smile, “I love you, too.”</p>
<p>Then he threw all risk out of the window, and kissed him. They fit together perfectly, and it was nothing like Troy had ever experienced before. He wanted to spend the rest of his life kissing Abed. As they pulled apart, Abed looked as dazed as Troy felt. </p>
<p>“Troy,”</p>
<p>“Yes?”</p>
<p>“Will you be my boyfriend?”</p>
<p>“Yes! Yes, a hundred times yes.” He leaned in to kiss him again. </p>
<p>When they pulled apart a second time they had reached the top of the Ferris wheel, the sky grew dark blue, a deep orange lining the horizon as it faded into the darkness. Troy laced his fingers with Abed’s and leaned his head on his shoulder, sighing happily. He finally understood why there were so many Ferris wheels in movies. </p>
<p>When they exited the ride and walked through the carnival once more, Troy checked his phone to find that he had three texts from Britta. </p>
<p>
  <em> Where r u? We’re going to Denny’s again </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Troy !!!!!!!! </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> We can’t find Abed either, have fun :) </em>
</p>
<p>Troy chuckled to himself and tugged Abed’s hand, “Hey, let’s go join the group.” </p>
<p>They decided that there was no reason to wait to tell the others, since they took Troy’s coming out so well. They thought up dozens of coming out speeches they could do on the drive to Denny’s, but ultimately decided that they’ll just say what feels right in the moment, to take some of the pressure off. </p>
<p>They walked into the restaurant holding hands, and Troy couldn’t stop himself from beaming. They quickly found the table that the group were eating at, and walked up to it, waiting for them to notice their arrival. </p>
<p>Once they were noticed, Troy couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Hey guys, guess what?” He held up their interlaced fingers and shook their hands, trying to convey their relationship through the motion. </p>
<p>Jeff squinted his eyes confusedly, “What? You guys hold hands all the time.” </p>
<p>“Oh, yeah.” Troy realised he’d have to actually use words and looked up at Abed, who smiled reassuringly. “Me and Abed are dating!”</p>
<p>Annie squealed and clapped, jumping up to hold them in a quick hug as Shirley murmured a pleasant “That’s nice!”</p>
<p>Britta pat Troy’s arm from where she was sitting, looking at the both of them earnestly with a smile, “Good for you guys, I’m really happy for you.”</p>
<p>Jeff nodded nonchalantly, unable to keep a small smile from forming. “That’s great, guys. Honestly, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner.”</p>
<p>Troy knew Jeff meant the comment in a teasing way, but as he looked up at Abed again to find him already staring with loving eyes, all he could do was breathe a “Me too.”</p>
<p>The dinner was pleasant, it was nothing out of the ordinary for their group, and Troy couldn’t have been more grateful. He and Abed weren’t treated any differently, the group didn’t dislike them now, and they also didn’t hold back on their relentless teasing. He felt like he was home, the group was his family now. He never expected to be where he was, but he was so glad he got there. </p>
<p>After everyone parted ways, Troy drove Abed home to his dad’s house, still buzzing from the evening they had. </p>
<p>“Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something since paintball that day,”</p>
<p>Abed hummed, confirming that he was listening. </p>
<p>“Why did you react that way when I came out? And why did you stop emailing when you found out who I was? I’m not mad, but I really want to know.” He nervously shifted his hands on the steering wheel as they sat at a red light. </p>
<p>Abed was silent for a second to gather his thoughts before he responded, “I was just overwhelmed. I wasn’t ready for anything to change between us - with the emails and our friendship. Then you were <em> Trevor </em>and even though it was everything I wanted, I just couldn’t handle it all.” He drew a deep breath, “So I just needed some time to think. Then you came out after paintball... and it was all just too much at once for me. You were so open and honest, and I felt bad for keeping my identity to myself. But I couldn’t just put it out there. I don’t know, it was weird. I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>Troy pulled over to the curb as he pulled up to Abed’s dad’s house, listening intently. When he put the car in park and looked at Abed, he was staring out of the passenger window. Troy tentatively grabbed Abed’s hand, giving him time to pull away if that’s what he wanted. But he didn’t. Instead, he turned and found Troy’s eyes with his own. </p>
<p>“Abed, it’s okay. It was a shitty situation for the both of us, we were both forced out of our comfort too soon, I understand. But I’m happy it led us to where we are, and that’s all that matters now.” He squeezed Abed’s hand, “Now we don’t have to be so secretive with each other, that’ll make things a lot easier for the both of us.”</p>
<p>Abed breathed a sigh of relief and peeled himself away from the car door, getting closer to Troy, “Yeah, you’re right. We’re gonna make a great team.”</p>
<p>Troy smiled and brought Abed’s hand that he was still holding up to his lips, “We <em> are </em> a great team.”</p>
<p>Abed eyed Troy’s movements and a small smile graced his lips, “We should move in together.”</p>
<p>Troy stilled, “Like, in an apartment? Just the two of us?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s what I want. I was so worried about it last year, but I’m pretty sure we couldn’t have just jumped a bigger shark. Do you want to move in together?”</p>
<p>Troy beamed, lunging forward to pull Abed into a hug. “Yes, yes of course I want to live with you. This is gonna be so awesome.”</p>
<p>Troy could hear Abed chuckling into his shoulder, and everything just felt <em> right. </em>He couldn’t believe that he was there, in Abed’s arms, planning the next step in their lives together. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with his best friend, with his boyfriend, with the man that taught him how to be himself. It was scary to think of how in love he was, of how much of their lives they’d have to plan together. It was a big deal. </p>
<p>But maybe he wanted it to be. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if there were any mistakes I’m sorry this was such a bitch to edit tbh</p></blockquote></div></div>
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